Of war and words: talking to children about conflict

Helicopters have circled overhead as Josh Shuman bathed his children. Gunfire often startles the family at dinner and late at night. And recently, as Josh and his wife, Bat-Zion, were readying their boys for school, they heard a bomb explode two blocks away, between their home and the school.

Such is life in Jerusalem these days, says Mr. Shuman, an American who married an Israeli woman 11 years ago. For them, he says, encountering violence so close to home "makes for some interesting parenting challenges."

Americans aren't being awakened by the blast of bombs, but as an invasion of Iraq inches closer, dinner-table conversation in the US often turns to talk of war. All of a sudden, American parents are faced with calming their children's fears while hiding their own, maintaining a sense of normalcy amid a climate of uncertainty, and responding to questions and concerns in a manner that's understandable, age-appropriate, and reassuring.

A tall order, to say the least.

But as many parents begin to deal with the questions Israelis have long faced - "Why war?" "How long will it last?" and "Will we be OK?" - they are finding unexpected benefits.

Table-talk discussions between parents and children about Iraq and other world events aren't just calming children's fears. In many cases, parents discover that as they take time to listen intently to their children and teach some valuable life lessons, they grow closer as a family.

Even parents who are struggling to navigate their way through war talk can learn from the experience of people like the Shumans.

With each event, the Shumans reassure their children, ages 9, 7, and 16 months, that they will keep them safe and protected. They speak honestly and openly about conflict in their country. And after any terrorist attack, they shut off the TV.

Whether to broach the topic of war at all depends on several factors: the child's age and temperament; what he or she might have heard at school, on the bus, or on the sports field; and how imminent a war seems to be.

Naturally, if the child brings up the topic, then the parent will want to listen and help sort out any confusion. But keep it simple, experts urge.

Diane Levin, a professor at Wheelock College in Boston, author of the forthcoming book "Teaching Young Children in Violent Times" and the mother of a 20-year-old son, recommends that if a child under 6 years old doesn't bring up the topic, a parent shouldn't either.

And, she says, go easy on the details until your child is a young teen. Too much detail could be both scary and too complex for a younger child.

It's also key, adds Ms. Levin, to keep one's own political views out of any discussion of war with children - unless they are in their preteen or teen years and are asking for your opinion.

"Let the kids' point of view be your guide," she says, admitting this can be difficult for parents with strong beliefs. Children just want to have their immediate questions answered.

Anastasia Galanopoulos, a mother of two boys, in Sudbury, Mass., steers clear of talk about war if she can help it.

She has found that it's most effective to address current events by making comparisons to conflict resolution in their daily lives - situations her 8-year-old or 4-year-old might have faced in school or on the playground.

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