The Canadians are coming!
This e-mail was intercepted by a Monitor reporter overnight.
To: The Canadian high command
Subject: Our takeover of the US
From: Agent "Deep Freeze"
Greetings, eh. I'm happy to inform you that our secret plans to take over the United States are going better than we could ever have anticipated.
First, we've quietly persuaded President Bush to send as many troops as he can out of the country by the middle of February in order to deal with something or other about this guy Hussein in Iraq. Perfect!
Second, we've engineered the weather so that the entire US is freezing - even Florida! Ideal conditions for Canadian special ops teams to operate.
Third, we have planted key agents in essential TV and radio news operations. Our most senior operative, Peter Jennings, is still in position at ABC. Meanwhile, John Roberts is poised to take over at CBS. And we've been extremely successful in getting Ashleigh Banfield moved into a higher and higher profile at NBC/MSNBC. Dick Gordon has not yet been detected by Ashcroft's forces and had been quietly inserting more and more Canadian content into the topics under discussion at NPR's The Connection. We didn't get anyone planted at Fox, but it's not really a news operation anyway, so damage will be limited.
Fourth, and perhaps best of all, we've been able to insinuate our agents into perhaps the most important and strategic event in the country, an event that brings all Americans together, an event where they willingly plant themselves in front of a TV for hours at a stretch, and are willing to watch anything! No, not the Oscars. Something even more important - the Super Bowl.
Although it's hard to believe, agent Céline Dion actually sang "God Bless America" during the pregame show. (And may I say it takes a Canadian to do justice to "God Bless America.") And nobody even noticed. Even better, agent Shania Twain opened the halftime show. Nobody would ever suspect Agent Twain of being one of us, because her image is too sexy for Americans to think she's Canadian. The fools!
The game itself was meaningless and boring. But to be able to get our Canadian operatives into such key positions means that when the takeover comes, the Americans will accept them mindlessly. They won't even know it has happened.
Other key agents are also awaiting orders: Agents William Shatner, Jim Carrey, Alanis Morissette, Avril Lavigne, Neil Young, Dan Ackroyd, Mike Myers, Michael J. Fox, James Cameron, Alex Trebek, Leslie Nielsen, and Pamela Anderson are in place, as are the others. Agent Bernie Ebbers of WorldCom was poised to seize control of the telecommunications structure but acted too soon. Fortunately no one has detected his Canadianness yet.
We're only a few weeks away from total victory, if our plans are not detected. If all goes according to our timetable, in only a few more months Americans will be waking up to universal healthcare, hockey as the national pastime, and the whole country will be walking around saying, "How's it goin', eh?"
• Tom Regan is the associate editor of the Monitor's website. He hails from the Canadian province of Nova Scotia, but completely denies any involvement with any plot, eh.