Grandmothers weigh in on providing child care

The e-mail messages began as a trickle, carrying intriguing subject headings such as "Tired grandmother," "Feeling needed again!" and "Grannies are so precious."

Within days, the trickle had grown to a small flood. Grandparents – make that grandmothers – were weighing in with personal experiences and perspectives on afront-page story in The Christian Science Monitor Aug. 1, "Meet the nanny – 'Granny.' "

As the story explains, new census data show that grandparents are now the leading providers of child care for preschoolers, caring for 21 percent of those who were in some kind of child-care arrangement in 1997. Fathers cared for 17 percent of preschoolers while mothers worked. One in 5 attended day-care centers or family day-care homes.

The subject struck a chord, producing the biggest reader response to any story I've written. The piece has also drawn more than 90,000 page views on the Monitor's website, www.csmonitor.com/grandparents.

These "granny-nannies" express emotions ranging from joy and satisfaction to fatigue and resentment. Many long to feel more appreciated and to hear those two little words, "Thank you," more often. But whatever challenges they face, they are sustained by a deep love for their grandchildren.

For most, caring for grandchildren is not a choice. Parents either cannot find good day care or can't afford it.

"My daughter made too much to qualify for day-care assistance, but not enough to pay $200 a week for a 6-month-old infant and $100 a week for after-school care for her 8-year-old," one woman writes. "I run a small business from my home, and the baby's care means I do most of my work at 5 a.m. or 8 p.m., before she arrives or after she leaves."

Others tell similar stories of combining caregiving and careers. One woman with a demanding sales position drives 45 minutes each way, four or five nights a week, to baby-sit for her 7-month-old grandson. Her son manages a Domino's Pizza outlet. Her daughter-in-law works part time in a store. "On a $7.25-an-hour paycheck, putting the baby in day-care would have been financially impractical."

The most prickly issue involves the unpaid status of caregiving grandparents.

"I have been watching my grandchildren for four months," says a grandmother of four. "However, with today's economy, I need a job that can pay me. My daughter cannot afford to do so because they are barely surviving. What can I do?"

Another woman comments: "It's very sad that after a lifetime of working full time, grandparents should have a second full-time job of caring for their grandchildren unpaid. Have we raised such a spoiled generation that the taking never ends? I can see a grandparent lovingly helping out part time, but to sacrifice all of one's life so that one's children can make more money? Something's wrong here."

Although grandma may be doing the hands-on work in most cases – diapers, meals, games, stories – grandpa's dreams of a leisurely retirement have been put on hold, too.

"My husband and I cannot afford day care, and my mother agreed to watch my daughter, now 2 years old," a young mother says. "She is also watching my divorced sister's three children. She has no time with friends, no time to herself, and no time for her husband. My dad is getting very stressed, along with my mom, but they love the children so much. Next year my sister and I have to find a baby sitter."

A customer-service representative whose husband works nights notes that her father takes care of their children: " 'Grandpa Nanny' is the one who watches the little one while I'm held over late or early morning when I'm in training."

Other grandparents are part of a sandwich generation. One woman who takes care of her 2-1/2 year-old grandson is also the full-time caregiver for her elderly mother. "Our grandson is a constant source of amusement and joy for us all, especially my mother," she writes.

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