Saving the past for the future

Keeping separate books allows each child to be the "star" of his or her own diary. DuMar almost never writes the same story in each child's diary, even if everyone is involved in the same experience. She asks herself, "Whose story is it, really?"

Adventures and conflicts, compromises and shared fun – they're all grist for DuMar's diary mill. She records small rites of passage, such as the loss of a baby tooth or a child's discovery of the moon. And she includes many sibling-rivalry stories, although she's careful to balance them by including the positive things her children say about each other.

She also enjoys "mischief" stories and even writes about disagreements.

Whatever the subject, DuMar aims to tell the truth. "I do believe it's important to take skeletons out [of the closet], but that doesn't mean you plant bombs." When one set of grandparents divorced recently, she included details, but did not tell the children anything that would devastate them.

When she writes, DuMar enjoys retreating to a comfortable black leather chair in the living room of her family's ranch house. She writes to at least one child every week, spending anywhere from five minutes to an hour and a half.

Yet she cautions that diary-keeping should never become a burden, an obligatory duty. "I wouldn't keep doing this if it didn't do something for me," she says. "We don't need one more thing on our to-do list, thinking 'I should write this for my daughter today.' "

Beyond the pleasure a parent or grandparent finds in recording experiences and thoughts, what do the diaries do for children?

"Kids love stories," DuMar says. "They see themselves as storymakers, as the protagonist of their own lives. They realize the things they do are important and matter."

She hears her own children telling stories more often. "They have a sense of shaping a story. A sense that I am somehow chronicling their lives for them. A sense that small things matter, and that they're worthy of special attention."

She sees another, inadvertent, benefit as well. "When children see us writing, they get the idea that we think writing is important. They get a very powerful message of the role writing plays in your life."

Rereading the diaries now and then gives DuMar clues about each child. It also helps her discover who she is as a mother.

From time to time, her children enjoy having her read entries aloud to them. She tries to pick out "juicy" stories and slapstick comedy.

As the morning workshop draws to a close, DuMar offers participants another reason for preserving family tales.

"Time goes by so fast," she says. "We have so little time for our children. Writing diaries for your child is an act of love."

Kelly DuMar offers these tips on writing diaries for children:

• Always begin by dating each entry. It will nag you later if you don't know the date.

• Don't censor yourself. The "critical editor" is a silencing voice that will make you put down the diary. Children want to know. They're not going to red-pen entries later and say, "Mom misspelled this word." Trying not to reread for a while can be very helpful.

• Go for passion rather than polish. A diary doesn't have to include perfectly crafted sentences or paragraphs. It's about connecting with your children. It's OK to ramble. Editing isn't necessary.

• Quote liberally. Children enjoy knowing exactly what they said. The poetic things they say make them feel they have a special voice.

• Don't give your children advice in your diaries. They don't want to read a lecture. But if they give you advice, write it down.

• If possible, buy quality blank books, with hard covers and good paper. Spiral bindings, which lie flat, make writing easier. Portability is also a plus. You can tuck it in a diaper bag or a backpack, and take advantage of a few moments of downtime before a soccer game starts.

• Store diaries in fireproof containers.

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