More than child's play

Every other Friday at 4 p.m., Mike McCormick climbs into his Plymouth Voyager, pulls out of his driveway in Sterling, Va., and heads north on an important family mission: picking up his 6-year-old son, Jimmy, for a weekend visit. His destination, 180 miles away, is Somerset, Pa., the halfway point between his house and Erie, Pa., where his former wife and Jimmy live.

About the same time, Jimmy and his mother begin a similar drive to Somerset. Once there, Jimmy hugs his mother goodbye, then climbs into his father's van for the four-hour drive back to Virginia.

"I have 45 hours with him," says Mr. McCormick, an investment manager. They spend eight to 10 of those hours in the car.

This is the world of postdivorce childrearing, where one parent – usually the father – is consigned to the role of weekend host or visitor. It is a domestic universe ruled by calendars, clocks, and court- ordered visitation schedules that attempt to keep both parents connected, however imperfectly, to the child they both love.

Every year, an estimated 1 million children and their newly divorced parents begin arrangements like these. Of the 14 million single custodial parents in 1997, nearly 12 million, or 85 percent, were mothers and 2 million were fathers. In most states, both parents share legal custody.

Noncustodial parents typically see their children only 16 percent of the child's time, according to Jeff Parks, a marriage and family therapist in Natick, Mass. This usually includes one evening a week, every other weekend, and time during holidays and summer vacation.

Although most noncustodial parents do not make the lengthy biweekly commutes that McCormick does, even those who live near their children must find activities they can enjoy together. That challenge intensifies during the summer, when visits can last three weeks or more.

At the same time, fathers must fight the stereotype – mostly untrue, they insist – that they are "Disneyland dads," implying that they entertain children lavishly in an effort to buy their love.

"I don't think the Disneyland dad is a reality," says Bill Zamzow of Quincy, Mass., who sees his 4-year-old daughter, Jacqueline, three times a week. Expensive entertainment, often beyond the budget of two-parent families, becomes even less affordable when parents maintain separate households.

Mr. Zamzow thinks the stereotype is fueled by exaggeration on the part of former wives. "It's sort of a Cinderella thing, that she's home taking care of everything and he's off at the ball. The fact of the matter is, it's a poor substitute for a regular family."

Most divorced fathers try to keep schedules as normal as possible, says Dianna Thompson, executive director of the American Coalition for Fathers and Children. Many enroll their children in sporting activities so they can take them to games on weekends. They also work with children on school projects. She knows one father and son who pack a picnic and go fishing.

Zamzow strives to blend free, low-key activities with organized events. In good weather, he picks up Jacqueline at her mother's house after work and heads to a nearby park to play. When the day turns chilly or wet, they enjoy the children's room at the library.

Because Jacqueline "loves theatrical stuff," ranging from puppet shows to magic, Zamzow looks for offbeat children's theaters on weekends. They attend one or two shows a month. "If it's reasonably entertaining, active, and moving, children may not get it, but they'll have fun with it."

Father and daughter visit the Children's Museum in Boston or the Aquarium once or twice a year. They also enjoy the zoo and the Big Apple circus. He avoids large-scale events. Once a month, he arranges a playdate with one of Jacqueline's friends. They also like to relax at his apartment.

"Don't worry too much about your child," Zamzow says. "It doesn't have to be Ringling Brothers. They're very easily amused." Some libraries offer free or discounted passes to museums and theaters, reducing costs.

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