Finding the path to a lasting relationship

Mr. Donaldson is convinced that asking revealing questions – and then asking yourself if you can realistically live with the answers – will lessen divorce.

"Overwhelmingly," he says, "people I spoke to who had experienced divorce said that the issues of conflict existed before the wedding."

Washington divorce attorney Marna Tucker would say that Donaldson is on the right track. "It's lack of communication that often leads [clients] to me," she says. But she has a different approach: She urges couples, especially with second marriages, to enter into a prenuptial agreement. "If for no other reason," Ms. Tucker says, "at least it gets them talking about difficult issues with the help of a savvy professional."

In one case, a couple she worked with decided to take more time to sort things out before taking their vows. "The husband was extremely controlling," Tucker recalls. "There was a 'his and hers,' but not an 'ours.' When I brought this up, the woman left the room in tears. She later told me this was exactly what she'd been feeling. Two years later, they got married, but it was a much different deal than it would have been."

From what she's seen, people who take time out after a failed relationship are more likely to succeed the next time. "They gain a much better understanding of what made the marriage fall apart than those who might have had someone else waiting in the wings," Tucker says.

A little soul-searching after a split can help one bring more wisdom, serenity, and wholeness to the next relationship, as Lauren Gilligan has found. The 20-something Bostonian has experienced enough disappointment with dating to have arrived at some hard-earned conclusions.

"I had to realize that I'm not defined by my boyfriend, but by who I am and what I stand for," she says with a maturity beyond her years. "I'm now in a happy and healthy relationship. And it's all because I'm happy with who I am, what I'm doing, and where I'm going. And he complements all that."

But she is not beyond learning from others' strategies. It's people such as Ms. Gilligan, who have never married and are determined to get it right the first time, who could reverse the trend – no small matter, according to Warren, who insists that a drop in divorce would have far-reaching effects.

"Marriage is the most important social issue in America today," he says. "If you get marriages right, you will change the whole fabric of our society."

These 29 dimensions must be "matched and managed" for a relationship to succeed, says longtime relationship counselor Neil Clark Warren. Further details on each dimension can be found in his new book 'Date ... or Soul Mate?'

1. Good character.

2. Quality of self-conception (knowing yourself).

3. Absence of emotional red flags.

4. Anger management.

5. Obstreperousness (tendency to find fault).

6. Understandings about family (children).

7. Family background.

8. Intellect.

9. Energy.

10. Spirituality.

11. Education.

12. Appearance.

13. Sense of humor.

14. Mood management.

15. Traditional vs. nontraditional approaches to life.

16. Ambition.

17. Sexual passion.

18. Artistic passion.

19. Values orientation.

20. Industry.

21. Curiosity.

22. Vitality and security.

23. Autonomy vs. closeness.

24. Communication.

25. Conflict resolution.

26. Sociability.

27. Adaptability.

28. Kindness.

29. Dominance vs. submissiveness.

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