The good news about stepfamilies
Children can find nurturing homes in blended families
When divorced parents remarry, they may hope their new family will be similar to the one on the "Brady Bunch," a 1960s-'70s sitcom in which a man with three sons marries a woman with three daughters. They all go on a honeymoon together and "live happily ever after."
In real life, it doesn't often happen that way at least not initially.
Children in a new stepfamily may not be as pleased about the situation as their parents are. They generally don't spend most of their days happily joking with their new stepbrothers and stepsisters. In fact, they often resist closer relationships with their stepparents and stepsiblings. They long for their biological parents to remarry.
However, the news about blended families isn't all bad. Once children adjust to their new lives, they learn valuable social skills that they might not acquire elsewhere, experts say. Children who have been raised in successful stepfamilies often are tolerant of others' differences and are well-equipped to negotiate stressful times.
"When stepfamilies are really doing well, they can bring to children a broader definition of family, the potential for a larger network of support, and a place to work out socialization," says the Rev. Bill Hays of Boise, Idaho, who's a stepfather.
Learning to interact with divorced parents, stepparents, and stepsiblings gives young people important interpersonal skills, says Margorie Engel, president of the Stepfamily Association of America.
Many of these children and teenagers are especially sensitive to others' emotional states, because they become very aware of their parents' feelings during the ups and downs of divorce, she says. Later, when one or both of their parents remarry, they master the fine art of living with nonfamily members who have varied styles, tastes, and cultural backgrounds.
"Children in stepfamilies learn a lot of interpersonal skills, like fighting fair and reading people's faces and interpreting their tones of voice," says Ms. Engel.
By addressing troublesome topics during their monthly family meetings, the Hays children are honing their interpersonal skills by working out issues at home. Recently, Sam, who is 13, took advantage of the family meeting to practice an important social skill: asking a girl in this case his 13-year-old stepsister, Megan to stop giving him a hard time at school.
"Megan was being silly with her friends," says Mr. Hays. "She was trying to embarrass Sam at school, and he felt comfortable using the family meeting as a place to bring up and resolve his concern."
For the Hays children, being part of a stepfamily isn't just about talking frankly with others. It's about helping each other out during stressful times, says Joyce Hays, Bill's wife.
The Hayses' union brought together two sets of stepsiblings who are about the same age: The couple has two seventh-graders and two ninth-graders. Those pairs depend on each other, she says.
"In traditional families, you don't often have two seventh-graders and two ninth-graders," she adds. "Whenever we start something new, if we have to move to a new town, the kids have their stepsiblings their buddies along on the new adventure. They aren't alone."
