The savoir-faire of fancy singles' fare

Bob Murphy of Southborough, Mass., got tired of the traditional hunting grounds for singles: "I wasn't happy with the caliber of people I was meeting at nightclubs," says the 40-something construction engineer. "And forget about the bar scene. I was looking for an educated, professional woman to have dinner with, someone who could hold her own in a conversation."

Mr. Murphy almost abandoned his quest, but six months ago he saw an ad for a dining club called the Single Gourmet. "Now I can go out and have a great dinner with eight or 10 dates," he says with a laugh.

Murphy admits that he is exaggerating about the number of his "dates." And he is quick to point out that the Single Gourmetis not a dating service. It is actually a rather civilized way of meeting other singles who enjoy fine food and what this father of a 15-year-old calls "adult speak."

Each month, six to eight dinners are organized at various restaurants around Boston. Members - 60 percent of whom are women - receive a newsletter that describes coming locations and what each restaurant is known for. (That information is also available online: www.single gourmet.com.) Members then choose which - if any - events to attend. Prices range from $45 to $85 per dinner (taxes and gratuity included), depending upon the venue - and menu.

Murphy believes that the cost of the dinners attracts a more educated, articulate crowd. "I'm never afraid of who will be at these dinners," he says. "This is a nice, safe way to meet other singles."

Melanie Cabot has heard comments like Murphy's many times before. Indeed, she bought the Boston chapter of the club two years ago, after she moved back to the area from New York City, where the Single Gourmet began 20 years ago. Newly divorced, Ms. Cabot wanted to combine her love of people with her love of fine food.

More important, however, she understood what many in the dating industry didn't seem to realize: that not every single is looking for Mr. or Ms. Right. "My members would like a more active social life," she says, "but they don't necessarily want romance. They may want to reconnect socially after a divorce or a move, or they may be shy about getting out and meeting people. This is an elegant, no-pressure way to meet other singles and to sample some of Boston's best restaurants."

To ease the process of meeting and mingling, Cabot places members at tables according to their age group, and she seats people next to those who have common interests or potential chemistry. She carefully spaces the men among the women. Throughout the evening, Cabot draws shyer members into the conversation.

"I'm happy to be the social secretary for 500 people," chuckles Cabot. Her efforts make it easier for members to find what they've really been hunting for: a wider sense of community.

Kathy of Watertown, Mass., agrees. This 40-something, who asked to use only her first name, has been a member for 1-1/2 years. She, like many diners, appreciates the club because it brings diversity - and great food - into her life.

"The people are different from the friends I've known for a while," she says. "So many Americans go home after work, pull the blinds down, turn on the TV, and just stay in. I don't want to do that. I am always doing something socially."

Kathy attended the club's first Thanksgiving dinner last year, which was held at a traditional New England inn. She went, she says, because she wanted to try something different. But for some of the attendees, the dinner meant that they didn't have to spend the day alone - and they didn't have to crash someone else's party.

"You want to feel that you have your own plans [on Thanksgiving]," says Cabot, who will repeat the dinner this year. "You might not wish to insinuate yourself on friends or family."

But often "insinuation" is a reality for singles, especially as communities and families become more fragmented and far-flung.

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