A call for more help on preventing breakups

Yet the absence of fathers remains one of the most devastating consequences of divorce. Even among educated, professional men, Hetherington observes, few know how to be a good noncustodial father. As a result, two years after a divorce, only one-quarter of fathers in her study saw their children once a week or more. After six years, one-quarter of children saw their fathers once a year or less. Only 30 percent maintained a good relationship with their fathers.

"There's a lot of reason to believe that it's the loss of the father that's the crucial element in how divorce produces so much disability," Mr. Pittman says.

Still, Hetherington sees signs of change among men. More noncustodial fathers divorcing today are staying in contact with their children. They have had more hands-on experience in childrearing and are reluctant to give that up when the marriage ends.

For some family experts, the debate about the effects of divorce is a welcome springboard for discussions about how to strengthen marriage and prevent divorce.

Michelle Weiner Davis, a marriage therapist in Woodstock, Ill., brings personal and professional experience to the subject. Her parents divorced when she was 17. One of the "most devastating" events of her life, the divorce, which she believes was preventable, still evokes "a great sadness."

"I'm utterly convinced that my own parents' marriage, as well as hundreds of thousands of others, don't have to go that route, don't have to test children's resilience in that way," she says.

For Ms. Weiner Davis, the overriding question should be: "How many of the divorces that occur ... are truly preventable? Not preventable in terms of people staying together for the sake of their kids and being miserable the rest of their lives, but preventable in terms of helping them rediscover what they love about each other, and make their lives together good again."

Pittman, too, challenges what he calls the "strange belief that the next marriage will be the good one that will make you happy, so that you never have to learn how to make yourself happy."

Couples, he adds, "have to learn to argue constructively, to disagree, and to hear the truth compassionately. They have to create an atmosphere in which they can be honest."

Changing the discussion about divorce is also a priority for Diane Sollee of Smart Marriages, a coalition for marriage and family education in Washington. "How can we be spending energy ... talking about the degrees to which divorce is bad for children?" she says. "We should be spending time making marriage work."

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