The search for common ground

"My in-laws were always very good to me," says Friedland, who is now divorced, "and they were very accepting of our decision to raise the children as Jews." But taking part in their holiday celebrations seemed very unnatural at first.

"I felt as if I were betraying Judaism just by being there," she says, adding that the Christmas tree made her especially uncomfortable.

"I saw it as a religious symbol, and it reminded me of the fact that Jews are still a minority in this country. We were different, and I felt guilty just for going over 'to the other side.' "

Case, who is still happily married, had a similar reaction when he attended Christmas dinners at his in-laws' house.

"The tree really freaked me out," he says. "It is such an icon and a reminder [to me] of prior times when Jews were persecuted by Christians. I never did talk with my parents about those dinners."

But over time, Friedland and Case both became more at ease with their in-laws' traditions.

"I realized," she says, "that Christmas was not [necessarily celebrated as] a religious holiday. It was family time, and that by taking part, I was not affirming the divinity of Jesus."

Case agrees. He began to relax, he explains, and even to enjoy participating in his in-laws' Christmas celebrations when he realized "that Christmas did not have an impact on my children's religious identity. What at first feels strange does get easier," he says.

That, perhaps, is one of the most valuable lessons interfaith couples can share. Inclusiveness is another.

Darrel H. Jodock of Gustavus Adolphus College in St. Peter, Minn., who focuses on religious trends in America and Jewish-Christian relations, says that interfaith couples make important contributions to society - and not just during the holiday season.

"I view a family as a small community," says Mr. Jodock. "And in a family, a person begins to learn to negotiate the complex relationships that we face in a larger community.

"Interfaith families who take the religious development of their children seriously can model healthy and respectful pluralism. They can live out what should be the goal for society as a whole."

Interfaith couples often do well in the early stages of their relationship. But problems can surface later on, especially after a couple has children. That's when many people realize that religion is more important to them than it has been in the past. It is also a time when unresolved issues come to the forefront.

Patricia C. Feldtmose, a licensed marriage and family therapist who lives near Hartford, Conn., often looks at issues of faith as they relate to her clients' problems. Frequently, she says, couples come to her thinking, "I'm right, he's wrong. Convince him that I'm right."

Her job, she says, is to help couples get past the right/wrong mentality and to focus on "What can I support? What can we agree to disagree about?"

Often, she says, couples must work through loyalty and power issues, especially as they relate to their own upbringing. Couples must ask themselves: "What were the rules in my family? How did my parents relate? And do those models still work in today's world?"

Negotiation is important in any relationship, she says, but in interfaith marriages, it is crucial.

Ms. Feldtmose tries to help clients rediscover what brought them together in the first place. And she tries to help them find a "we-ness" that can't be threatened.

But for couples to really make a go of it, she says, "there must be some shifting in thinking to see that being flexible does not jeopardize their 'standing with the creator.' You can believe fervently, but fervency doesn't make you more right...."

Feldtmose often uses the analogy of the seven blind men who encounter an elephant. Each man can feel one part of the animal - the tail, the trunk, a leg - and each thinks that he understands everything about the elephant. But each knows only a small part of the story.

Couples need to look for the entire story, too, Feldtmose says, not just their parts of it. "You must try to understand why the other person is doing what she is. Often, we project motives onto the other person."

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