The search for common ground

The couple puts up a Christmas tree in their apartment, but not until after Eid.

Mr. Haider, who attended Catholic schools in his native Pakistan, enjoys the tree and the exchanging of Christmas presents. He acknowledges that some Muslims do not approve of either custom, since they are not specifically sanctioned by the Koran.

But in his opinion: "The Christmas tree is just an expression of feeling, and the way that you celebrate brings you happiness. Gifts bring people closer to each other, and holidays are about getting together and building better relationships."

Both believe that the keys to a harmonious marriage - and a harmonious nation - are listening to one another and learning to embrace differences.

"I grew up in a very small town," says Mrs. Haider, "and everyone always talked about 'those people' [meaning foreigners], but no one actually knew 'those people.' Americans need to make the effort to get to know other cultures, to ask, 'What do you believe?' "

Her husband stresses that it's important to understand and respect a spouse's religious beliefs. "Religion is what makes you bright. It's what makes you glow. Why would you take that away from someone?" he asks.

The couple's love is another thing that makes them "glow," and they say that taking good care of each other is a top priority. "You must be good to the person next to you," Mr. Haider concludes. "That is how you make society better."

Ali S. Asani, professor of Indo-Muslim languages and culture at Harvard University in Cambridge, Mass., might not speak in such romantic terms, but he does agree that making room for other religious viewpoints is important.

He says that interfaith couples such as the Haiders can be important examples of "pluralism" in a post-Sept. 11 world, demonstrating the inclusive teachings of the Koran, the Muslim scripture: "that Judaism, Christianity, and Islam are essentially based on the same principles and are all revealed by one God."

Most sociologists believe that the number of interfaith unions will continue to increase in the United States.

Currently, 50 percent of Jews marry non-Jews, and half of Catholics marry non-Catholics, according to the Journal of Marriage & the Family. In 1997, 30 percent of the marriages blessed by the Catholic Church involved interfaith couples, according to the Official Catholic Directory.

As these trends continue, say sociologists, they will reshape the social landscape. The increasing number of interfaith couples is already impacting religious institutions in the US, says Wade Clark Roof, chair of the department of religious studies at the University of California at Santa Barbara.

"New patterns are emerging," he says. "I ... doubt that specific congregations for interfaith couples would emerge. But churches and synagogues are already accommodating these realities, and will continue to do so."

Reform Judaism, for instance, has 14 outreach directors across the US who work with synagogues to help them to be welcoming of interfaith families.

Ronnie Friedland and Edmund Case of Newton, Mass., know firsthand about the accommodations mentioned by Professor Roof. Each is part of an interfaith family, and both have been active in interfaith outreach for years. Together they have co-edited a new book, "The Guide to Jewish Interfaith Family Life" (Jewish Lights, $18.95).

It gently encourages interfaith couples to establish Jewish homes and to raise their children with one religion, not two. This, according to Mr. Case and Ms. Friedland, is less confusing for children, and allows a solid religious grounding. But, they add, it is also crucial for interfaith families to respect and honor the traditions of both sides of the family.

This may not always be easy, especially in the beginning. Friedland and Case each married Christians in the 1970s, and both raised their children as Jews. They celebrated Hanukkah, but not Christmas. However, they did attend Christmas dinners at their in-laws' home.

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