Moms help girls navigate adolescence

Sara's own mother, Nina, remains optimistic about mother-daughter relationships. During interviews with mothers for her book, she often felt unconditional love pouring out.

Whatever sieges a family goes through during adolescence, Shandler offers a reminder that underpinning everything is an ongoing relationship between the two generations that will survive.

"We just have to tune into that connection until it returns with greater sweetness," she says. "Most women find it does come back with great sweetness."

She remembers her older daughter once telling her, "Mom, you have more influence than you think." Giving children messages of self-respect does sink in on a day-to-day basis, Shandler says. It also gives them strength to face temptations and make decisions. "You have to know how to embrace them with love, even when you need to back off or they need to push you away."

Similar optimism prevails for Dellasega. As she interviewed women for her book and listened to their experiences, she became "impressed by how often things turned out OK." A daughter might not be a prom queen or might not go to college on a full scholarship, but accepting those realities can help to ease tension in the family.

What else can

help? Forman urges parents to be patient, and to try to remember what it felt like to be an adolescent. She also suggests spending "alone time" with each child, sons as well as daughters. That can be as simple as going out for a bagel and hot chocolate on Wednesdays after school. She also places notes in her children's lunch boxes and on their pillows.

Writing is high on Dellasega's list of hints as well. Letters between mothers and daughters can offer a helpful way of communicating if face-to-face conversations prove difficult.

Wellman, too, emphasizes the importance of family time. Parents are not spending enough time with their children, she finds, and are not providing enough wholesome alternatives to the prevailing culture around them.

Keeping what Shandler calls "an open line of communication" about the dangers of drugs, alcohol, and sex can also help. Teenagers might not use that open line, but knowing it is there is important.

For Judy Pohl of Laurel, Md., one goal has always been to give her four daughters "an acceptance of who they are." Although she does not always like what they do, she listens and helps them to consider other viewpoints and other options.

Although Ms. Pohl and her oldest daughter remained quite close through high school, her daughter's college years proved difficult. She got involved in things Pohl did not approve of. "She was pulling away from things that were important to me," Pohl says. "Faith was one. It really caused a rift at the time."

But patience and love prevailed. Today she describes her daughters, who range in age from 18 to 26, as "basically all good girls. They've turned out wonderful."

To other mothers facing challenges, Pohl says, "The big thing is to know that you're not alone. It's not just you, and it's not just her."

Williams's story, too, has a happy ending. During her daughter Mae's pregnancy, the two became close again. Williams turned to prayer, and Mae returned to church after a long absence.

Her baby daughter, born four years ago, "is the most beautiful child we could ask for," Williams says. Mae is now married and expecting another baby.

"Never, never give up on your child," Williams says. "Someone out there has been through it and can help you. Love your children unconditionally. You just have to tell to tell them you love them, no matter what."

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