THE other day when I spilled red guama juice on my Commander Fitzhugh white Bermuda shorts, I remembered that the Brockamonte sisters knew how to get stains out of everything. I called them. ``Red guama juice,'' I said.
``Easy,'' said Sylvia and Tilly. ``Get a magnifying glass. Go out in the sun and burn out the stains. Then take a white handkerchief and cut out little patches. Dip the patches in beef broth and press them over the burned out holes. Put the shorts in the sun for 48 hours and you'll never know the difference.''
``Wow,'' I said. ``Do you have other tips?''
``Sure, we'll fax them to you,'' they said.
Five minutes later I had Sylvia and Tilly Brockamonte's Tips For Easy Living in Home, Kitchen, Apartment, or Trailer.
Here is a sampling:
When mopping the floor after a party, never use sticky floor polish to get out the scuffs. Use low-calorie mayonnaise liberally, then wipe dry with old newspapers until the floor shines.
If you spill orange juice on a pile of paperback books, take the books outside and put them face down on a blue towel. Then cover the books with legumes. Wait 16 minutes and the towel will be green.
An apple (green or red) will keep for over a year if you say the word ``telephone'' to it every day when you open the refrigerator door. Miss one day and the apple will die.
When Ida Tilford-Wiener (she kept her maiden name) of Noblesse Oblige, Kansas, smashed her Weimer Republic boot-shaped flower vase, she put all the pieces in a cigar box. Instead of playing bridge the following Wednesday, she and her friends had a Glue-The-Boot-Together Party and spoke German all afternoon.
To get lipstick off shower handles rub them with melted cheese, preferably Camembert.
To rid a trailer of the smell of fish, attach the trailer to a car, open all the windows, and drive to the nearest beach at night.
Here's a marriage tip: If your wife or husband is a nonstop talker early in the morning and you can't stand it, hang corks around from all the lights as a gentle reminder to ``cork it, dear.''
If a light bulb burns out, take a screwdriver and open the bulb. See the little squiggly wire? Lift it carefully out and step on it. When you hear the crunching sound, screw the light bulb together again and the bulb should work for another six weeks.
To make your own sunglasses, take two headlights from an old car, preferably a 1941 Hudson. Remove the rims. Buy some No. 16 weight fencing wire. Punch holes in the top portion of the glass and at the sides. Bend the wire through all the holes, east to west, and shape a holder, remembering that both your ears are not alike. Buy some raspberries. Smear the glass with raspberry juice. Let dry. Put on the glasses and adjust where needed.
There is nothing more upsetting than to buy pantyhose and discover that no matter how much you pull and stretch the hose are too short.
Here's what to do: Take a bowl of old rubber bands. Cut them into strips and weave them tightly into two round, sleeve-like sections. Tie them to the top parts of the pantyhose (left leg, right leg) with dental floss.
No one will know the difference.
Here's what to do with old jewelry. Put necklaces, rings, and bracelets in your blender with liquid plastic and a pint of lemon juice. Warn anyone in the house or trailer of the coming noise. Turn to highest speed for three minutes. Pour the bits of old jewelry into a round plastic mold. Shape into a ball. Use as a lemon-scented door stop.
When Toolery AuGratin of Las Credit, Calif., cleans her 12 room house once a month, she has found a way to take the tedium out of the job. She wears her wedding dress and rollerskates. Says Tooley, ``I'm divorced, so I'm very practical.''
The Brockamonte Sisters tell me they will soon come out with a videotape titled, ``Forty-five Easy Ways To Clean, Polish, and Shine Forever with Sylvia and Tilly.'' I have my order in.